adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel

JERUSALEM—Participants on Taglit Shorashim’s Israel Experience trip reported Wednesday that a special bond was clearly forming between President Barack Obama, 51, and Cleveland-area high school senior Rachel Goldstein, 16, while on a 10-day bus tour through the Holy Land. “It was obvious from the icebreakers we did at the kibbutz that first Shabbat that something was going on with them,” said Shira Weiss, 16, of best friend Goldstein and President Obama, adding that the pair walked together on the sunrise hike to Mount Masada, split off entirely from the group during the Dead Sea excursion, and always sit together on the bus. “You should have seen them at Yad Vashem—they were practically holding hands. It’s so cute.” When reached for comment at a group excursion to the Wailing Wall, Obama reportedly told other members of the trip that “nothing’s going on, Rachel’s just really cool,” adding that he was “kind of in a relationship back home.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close