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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel

JERUSALEM—Participants on Taglit Shorashim’s Israel Experience trip reported Wednesday that a special bond was clearly forming between President Barack Obama, 51, and Cleveland-area high school senior Rachel Goldstein, 16, while on a 10-day bus tour through the Holy Land. “It was obvious from the icebreakers we did at the kibbutz that first Shabbat that something was going on with them,” said Shira Weiss, 16, of best friend Goldstein and President Obama, adding that the pair walked together on the sunrise hike to Mount Masada, split off entirely from the group during the Dead Sea excursion, and always sit together on the bus. “You should have seen them at Yad Vashem—they were practically holding hands. It’s so cute.” When reached for comment at a group excursion to the Wailing Wall, Obama reportedly told other members of the trip that “nothing’s going on, Rachel’s just really cool,” adding that he was “kind of in a relationship back home.”

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