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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle. “For years, Michelle has placed her ambitions and aspirations on the back burner so I could pursue my own, and now it’s my turn to put her first,” the former president said during his final press conference in the White House, later stating that he was excited for this “next chapter for the Obama family” and expressing immense pride in his wife for having secured a partner-track position at prestigious environmental law firm the Cascadia Group. “Of course, it will be hard for me to leave my work, but this is what partners in a marriage do: They support each other and treat one another as equals. If giving up my job as commander-in-chief and moving the family out to Seattle makes her happy, then I’m glad to do it—I love you, Michelle.” When asked how he would keep himself busy in the Pacific Northwest, Obama replied that his main focus would be getting his daughters, Sasha and Malia, settled into the family’s new arrangement before possibly running for mayor of Tacoma.

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