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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle. “For years, Michelle has placed her ambitions and aspirations on the back burner so I could pursue my own, and now it’s my turn to put her first,” the former president said during his final press conference in the White House, later stating that he was excited for this “next chapter for the Obama family” and expressing immense pride in his wife for having secured a partner-track position at prestigious environmental law firm the Cascadia Group. “Of course, it will be hard for me to leave my work, but this is what partners in a marriage do: They support each other and treat one another as equals. If giving up my job as commander-in-chief and moving the family out to Seattle makes her happy, then I’m glad to do it—I love you, Michelle.” When asked how he would keep himself busy in the Pacific Northwest, Obama replied that his main focus would be getting his daughters, Sasha and Malia, settled into the family’s new arrangement before possibly running for mayor of Tacoma.

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