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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient. “Come, ye gentles, ye merchants, ye noble tradesmen of America—witness the riches of the East and rejoice!” said the president from the quarterdeck of his flagship, the Laissez-Faire, as he cracked open a chest of cherrywood to display to his cheering welcomers dazzling jade and delicate urns of porcelain procured from the very rim of the world. “I have made commerce with the Mandarins of Far Cathay, and the brahmins of Calcutta, and yea, even with the savages of Java. And they did return my gifts of metal and glassware with great stores of enchanting spices, teas of all scents, the finest opium, and a vast wonderment of small brass trinkets shaped by the cunning hands of Siam’s artificers. And best of all, before God and my fellow man do I declare that I have received promises and guarantees of safe trade and passage for our likes o’er the entire expanse of the great Eastern Ocean!” The president also confirmed that his largest vessel was packed brimful with the latest low-cost computer chips and imitation handbags.


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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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