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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful

WASHINGTON—Having won another four years in the White House, President Barack Obama will retain about the same amount of power as American multimillionaire Mitt Romney, leading political scientists confirmed today. “Thanks to his reelection, Obama has managed to stay on equal footing with Romney in terms of overall clout,” Northwestern University professor Julia C. Perlman said. “Obama remains commander in chief of the most powerful military in history, while Romney, whose income places him among the richest 0.01 percent of Americans, will have far more control over the world’s largest economy. And though Obama still holds veto power, Romney’s massive wealth ultimately makes it much easier for him to push legislation through Congress in the first place. So they have roughly the same amount of influence.” Perlman added that while presidents must work tirelessly to forge coalitions and advance their agendas, Romney can simply become CEO of a Fortune 500 company and make thousands of people do everything he says.

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