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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now

WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed. “We live in a dangerous world, and it’s important to be prepared to protect your family,” said the president, referring to the 32-ounce wooden baseball bat he recently retrieved from the White House basement. “If I hear anybody trying to break in, it’s a relief to know that I can just reach under the bed and give them a reason to think twice about ever coming back into my house. I know Michelle sleeps a lot more easily now that I’ve got this piece of lumber by my side.” While Obama said he hopes to never use the weapon, he admitted he received a scare Sunday night when he tiptoed downstairs after hearing a noise in the Red Room and nearly took a swing at Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz.

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