adBlockCheck

Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Sort Of Freaked Out After Not Receiving Single E-Mail, Phone Call For Entire Day

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday he was surprised and "a bit unsettled" that he had not received a single e-mail, phone call, or written briefing in the past 24 hours. "Usually there's at least a national security memo or a call or two from [White House chief of staff] Bill [Daley]," Obama said while watching CNN to make sure nothing had happened that might have disrupted the nation's telecommunications network or removed him from power. "They wouldn't leave me out of the loop on anything big, would they? I've got full bars here, so people should at least be able to reach me on my cell." Obama later used a Hotmail account to send a message to his work address with the subject line "E-mail Check," and it reportedly went through fine.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close