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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Obama Sort Of Freaked Out After Not Receiving Single E-Mail, Phone Call For Entire Day

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday he was surprised and "a bit unsettled" that he had not received a single e-mail, phone call, or written briefing in the past 24 hours. "Usually there's at least a national security memo or a call or two from [White House chief of staff] Bill [Daley]," Obama said while watching CNN to make sure nothing had happened that might have disrupted the nation's telecommunications network or removed him from power. "They wouldn't leave me out of the loop on anything big, would they? I've got full bars here, so people should at least be able to reach me on my cell." Obama later used a Hotmail account to send a message to his work address with the subject line "E-mail Check," and it reportedly went through fine.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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