adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Spends Another Night Searching Behind White House Paintings For Safes

WASHINGTON—Quietly tiptoeing between the East Room and the Lincoln Bedroom in the dead of night Monday, President Obama once again spent another evening peeking behind the scores of paintings located throughout the White House in hopes of locating a hidden safe or secret passageway, executive branch sources confirmed. “There are so many fancy old paintings in here, one of them just has to be hiding a safe with some cool old valuables in it,” Obama stated while pushing Francis Alexander’s oil portrait of Martin Van Buren to the side in the library before yanking on a first-edition copy of Ulysses S. Grant’s Personal Memoirs in hopes of triggering the bookcase to rotate. “Who knows what kind of stuff I might find? Maybe a bar of gold or a neat old parchment map, or maybe even a skull! There’s got to be something like that in here.” Following an hour of trying combinations of keys on President Truman’s grand piano in hopes of opening a sliding wall panel, Obama reportedly tugged downward on each of the White House’s hundreds of wall sconces before moving on to its presidential busts.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close