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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Spends Wednesday Doing Some Urgings, Some Callings On

WASHINGTON—During a routine briefing at the White House Wednesday, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters President Obama would be occupied throughout the day with numerous urgings and callings on. "The president has a full schedule today, and will spend much of the morning reaffirming his commitments to before tackling five reiteratings this afternoon," said Carney, later noting that, if time permits, Obama would engage in a few comings out against. "In addition to several standings arm in arm with, he'll finish his day with some light unveilings as well as a few statings in no uncertain terms." When asked if the president would have time for a break, Carney said that at 12:30 p.m. Obama would take a brief lunch during which he'd squeeze in as many embracings the values of as he could.

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