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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching

WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama took his daughters Sasha and Malia out to the tribal territories of Pakistan for an exciting afternoon of drone-watching, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, there’s one right there,” Obama reportedly whispered as he handed a pair of binoculars to his youngest daughter Sasha, keeping quiet so as not to alarm the RQ-11B Raven drone sweeping past a nearby mountain ridge. “And there’s another—that’s an MQ-9 Block 1-Plus Reaper. You can tell by the markings on its wings. Just a beautiful, beautiful drone. You may not see as many of those as you used to, but around here they’re still the kings of the sky.” According to reports, Obama then told the two girls that if they came back at nightfall, they might get to see a drone attacking its prey.

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