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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching

WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama took his daughters Sasha and Malia out to the tribal territories of Pakistan for an exciting afternoon of drone-watching, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, there’s one right there,” Obama reportedly whispered as he handed a pair of binoculars to his youngest daughter Sasha, keeping quiet so as not to alarm the RQ-11B Raven drone sweeping past a nearby mountain ridge. “And there’s another—that’s an MQ-9 Block 1-Plus Reaper. You can tell by the markings on its wings. Just a beautiful, beautiful drone. You may not see as many of those as you used to, but around here they’re still the kings of the sky.” According to reports, Obama then told the two girls that if they came back at nightfall, they might get to see a drone attacking its prey.

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