adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss

‘Everyone Head Home And We’ll Try This Again Tomorrow,’ Says President

Obama explains that losing a day here and there “isn’t the end of the world,” as long as everyone comes in the next day ready to buckle down.
Obama explains that losing a day here and there “isn’t the end of the world,” as long as everyone comes in the next day ready to buckle down.

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation was unlikely to accomplish much more between now and the end of the workday, President Barack Obama held a press conference early this afternoon to tell everyone to head on home and chalk up today as a loss.

“Well, we gave it a shot, but it’s 2:30 now and we don’t really have anything to show for it —I know I sure don’t,” an audibly resigned Obama said during the nationally televised address from the Oval Office, his rumpled shirtsleeves rolled up past his elbows. “I think it’d be better to just cut our losses, come in with fresh eyes tomorrow, and tackle this again in the morning.”

“There’s no sense sitting here spinning our wheels and making ourselves miserable,” the president continued, wearily rubbing his forehead. “Let’s just call it a wash and get out of here early.”

Given that they hadn’t made any headway since this morning and were quickly losing steam, Obama said he didn’t really see the point in Americans wasting their time until 5 or 6 p.m. going through the motions just for the sake of looking busy.

The president also speculated that the sheer amount the nation had on its plate had contributed to its low energy and lack of focus, noting that it was hard for the populace to even know where to start when it felt so overwhelmed.

“It’s pretty clear no one wants to be here today,” Obama said after noting that he had spent the last two hours sitting at his desk and had “gotten maybe, like, one thing done.” “If we all go home and get a good night’s sleep, it’s going to be a lot better for us in the long run than just putzing around here.”

Sympathizing with his fellow citizens, Obama admitted that he had struggled to really dig in and get things done today, having instead frequently found himself watching YouTube videos he had already seen a dozen times, or standing up from his chair and wandering to another part of the White House with no real aim or motive.

Furthermore, he said, when the majority of the country’s population was drumming their fingers on their desks, staring off into space, or mindlessly refreshing their favorite website’s homepage every few minutes, it was pretty clear they had long since reached the limit of their effectiveness.

The president concluded his address by saying that the public banging its head against a wall wasn’t going to help anyone, and could possibly do more harm than good. As a solution, he argued, cutting the nation loose a little early and giving everyone a break would ensure the day wasn’t a complete waste.

“Go home—just try to relax and get those batteries recharged,” Obama said. “Put all this stuff out of your mind for an evening. After all, it’ll still be here tomorrow.”

Before putting on his overcoat and heading out, Obama promised to pick up coffee and 200 million doughnuts on his way in tomorrow morning.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close