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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Obama, Tennessee Titans Have No Clue Why Team Invited To White House

WASHINGTON—As cameras snapped and members of the press looked on, neither President Obama nor members of the Tennessee Titans were able to provide any indication as to why the professional football team might have been invited to visit the White House Tuesday. "We are honored to have this team here today," said Obama, who paused to confer privately with an aide after appearing confused by the appearance in the Oval Office of the NFL's 27th-ranked team. "It's good to see you. God bless America." Following the exchange, the befuddled Titans handed the president a jersey, posed for more pictures, and flew back to Nashville in confused silence.

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