adBlockCheck

Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut

WASHINGTON—While meeting with the official White House invitees to the State of the Union address ahead of tonight’s speech, President Barack Obama reportedly shoved 39-year-old Tulsa-area auto parts store owner Jeff Cavendish into a seat in the Congressional gallery and told him to “just smile and keep [his] fucking mouth shut” for the duration of the night. “Listen, I’m going to mention your story, the camera’s going to cut to you, Michelle will look your way and give you a supportive nod, and you just sit there with your goddamn trap closed and a big fucking happy grin across your fat face—you think you can handle that?” said Obama, jutting a finger into Cavendish’s sternum and telling him that as long as he kept his ass in the seat and didn’t make a goddamn peep, he couldn’t fuck up too bad. “What’s your name? Greg? Joe? Doesn’t fucking matter. Tonight it’s Greg. You have two kids—Hayley and Blake or something—your wife just took a job as a cashier to make ends meet, and you got a small business loan from the government and it’s working out great. You got all that? Because you better fucking remember whatever I say about you if anyone follows up.” The president then reportedly told the woman seated next to Cavendish that she “sure as shit” better look sad when he mentions how her mother was deported, as he was going to be “pushing that immigrant shit hard tonight.”

More from this section

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close