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Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut

WASHINGTON—While meeting with the official White House invitees to the State of the Union address ahead of tonight’s speech, President Barack Obama reportedly shoved 39-year-old Tulsa-area auto parts store owner Jeff Cavendish into a seat in the Congressional gallery and told him to “just smile and keep [his] fucking mouth shut” for the duration of the night. “Listen, I’m going to mention your story, the camera’s going to cut to you, Michelle will look your way and give you a supportive nod, and you just sit there with your goddamn trap closed and a big fucking happy grin across your fat face—you think you can handle that?” said Obama, jutting a finger into Cavendish’s sternum and telling him that as long as he kept his ass in the seat and didn’t make a goddamn peep, he couldn’t fuck up too bad. “What’s your name? Greg? Joe? Doesn’t fucking matter. Tonight it’s Greg. You have two kids—Hayley and Blake or something—your wife just took a job as a cashier to make ends meet, and you got a small business loan from the government and it’s working out great. You got all that? Because you better fucking remember whatever I say about you if anyone follows up.” The president then reportedly told the woman seated next to Cavendish that she “sure as shit” better look sad when he mentions how her mother was deported, as he was going to be “pushing that immigrant shit hard tonight.”

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