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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut

WASHINGTON—While meeting with the official White House invitees to the State of the Union address ahead of tonight’s speech, President Barack Obama reportedly shoved 39-year-old Tulsa-area auto parts store owner Jeff Cavendish into a seat in the Congressional gallery and told him to “just smile and keep [his] fucking mouth shut” for the duration of the night. “Listen, I’m going to mention your story, the camera’s going to cut to you, Michelle will look your way and give you a supportive nod, and you just sit there with your goddamn trap closed and a big fucking happy grin across your fat face—you think you can handle that?” said Obama, jutting a finger into Cavendish’s sternum and telling him that as long as he kept his ass in the seat and didn’t make a goddamn peep, he couldn’t fuck up too bad. “What’s your name? Greg? Joe? Doesn’t fucking matter. Tonight it’s Greg. You have two kids—Hayley and Blake or something—your wife just took a job as a cashier to make ends meet, and you got a small business loan from the government and it’s working out great. You got all that? Because you better fucking remember whatever I say about you if anyone follows up.” The president then reportedly told the woman seated next to Cavendish that she “sure as shit” better look sad when he mentions how her mother was deported, as he was going to be “pushing that immigrant shit hard tonight.”

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