Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting

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Vol 49 Issue 35

Tough Season - Preview

Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad’s Awesome Team.

The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria

While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S.

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The Syria conflict intensifies as bears enter the war, a report shows that millions of courageous Americans are overcoming the media pressure to be thin, and the nation’s single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019.

50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria

According to an NBC poll, 50 percent of Americans oppose the use of military force against Syria in the wake of a purported chemical weapons attack by the government of Bashar al-Assad, compared to 42 percent who support military action.

Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study

PHILADELPHIA—A psychotic study authored by deranged researchers at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed Thursday that “the bricks…the bricks are goddamned everywhere.” Written in a reported four days, the 20,000-page document ...
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Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting

WASHINGTON—During a meeting with Cabinet-level officials at the White House Friday morning, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama threw up right in the middle of discussions regarding a U.S. military intervention in war-torn Syria. “He got really quiet and pale when we began to discuss plans for a unilateral strike on al-Assad’s forces, but then [White House Chief of Staff] Denis McDonough mentioned the Muslim Brotherhood, and the president just puked right on the table,” said one source who was present, adding that Obama began dry heaving when talks turned to yesterday’s British parliamentary vote against any involvement in an imminent attack. “We thought he had gotten it all out of his system, but when [Secretary of State] John [Kerry] argued that the use of airborne military force must be swift and decisive in order to diminish the likelihood of a subsequent ground invasion, that just made Obama double over and hurl all over the floor. At that point, we simply had to stop the meeting.” At press time, Obama was reportedly sitting in the fetal position in a corner of the Oval Office as advisers frantically assured him that France is prepared to take military action alongside the United States.

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