adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting

WASHINGTON—During a meeting with Cabinet-level officials at the White House Friday morning, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama threw up right in the middle of discussions regarding a U.S. military intervention in war-torn Syria. “He got really quiet and pale when we began to discuss plans for a unilateral strike on al-Assad’s forces, but then [White House Chief of Staff] Denis McDonough mentioned the Muslim Brotherhood, and the president just puked right on the table,” said one source who was present, adding that Obama began dry heaving when talks turned to yesterday’s British parliamentary vote against any involvement in an imminent attack. “We thought he had gotten it all out of his system, but when [Secretary of State] John [Kerry] argued that the use of airborne military force must be swift and decisive in order to diminish the likelihood of a subsequent ground invasion, that just made Obama double over and hurl all over the floor. At that point, we simply had to stop the meeting.” At press time, Obama was reportedly sitting in the fetal position in a corner of the Oval Office as advisers frantically assured him that France is prepared to take military action alongside the United States.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close