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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama To Assure Nation That ISIS Campaign Will Be Drawn-Out Ordeal They’re Used To

WASHINGTON—Previewing tonight’s televised primetime address to the nation, White House aides confirmed that President Obama will reassure Americans that the impending military campaign against ISIS will be the exact same type of open-ended, drawn-out conflict that they are used to. “The president recognizes that citizens may be uneasy about this operation, and that’s why he will use tonight’s speech to comfort the American public by reminding them that they have been through armed engagements without clear end dates or even concrete objectives plenty of times before, and that this case is no different,” said senior White House advisor Daniel Pfeiffer, adding that the president will assuage viewers’ concerns by laying out precisely how the U.S. will mire itself in the same old quagmire that citizens have grown accustomed to over the years. “The president’s message is clear: This will be just another one of our routine intractable engagements in the region—it’s going to be unending, it’s going to be expensive, and it’s going to affect our credibility within the international community. There will not be any surprises for folks to worry about.” Pfeiffer added that by the end of Obama’s speech, Americans should be able to rest easy and just let this situation play out like they know it will.

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