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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Trying Out Social Policies In 'Second Life'

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, an increasingly cautious President Obama has begun testing out parts of his executive agenda on the 15 million citizens of the online world known as Second Life. The commander in chief's avatar—an attractive African-American man with two more years of senatorial experience than the president—has already dedicated 3.5 billion Linden dollars to developing sustainable green energy in the virtual community. "After what happened when he expanded the Peace Corps, we're anticipating a large portion of the program will be cut," one unnamed administration official said. "I saw the screencaps myself. There were thousands of arrogant, college-age avatars just camping out, being of no help to anyone. It was awful." After moderators confirmed Monday that the virtual world is in no danger of terrorist attack because there is no death in Second Life, former vice president Dick Cheney reportedly canceled his recently opened account.

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