Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

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Vol 46 Issue 11

NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night

NEW YORK—In a promotion aimed at encouraging people who like hockey to come and watch teams play the sport, the NHL held its first-ever Fan Attendance Night on Tuesday.

Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'

DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver.

Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

BELMONT, NH—"It's not anybody’s fault, honestly," said 28-year-old Megan Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now."

Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday.

Merlin Olsen

As a defensive lineman, the late Merlin Olsen was a 14-time Pro Bowler; as an actor, he starred in Father Murphy. Was he any good?
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Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the schoolchildren a 200-page memorandum on health care reform. "All right, part one, subsection A," the president began as the assembled students fidgeted on their carpet squares. "Can everyone see this diagram here on page two showing projected excise taxes on high-cost insurance over a 10-year period?" Sources said several of the children, while supporting the plan in principle, remained unsure how the tax base would be able to support the full scope of Obama's proposed measure.

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