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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the schoolchildren a 200-page memorandum on health care reform. "All right, part one, subsection A," the president began as the assembled students fidgeted on their carpet squares. "Can everyone see this diagram here on page two showing projected excise taxes on high-cost insurance over a 10-year period?" Sources said several of the children, while supporting the plan in principle, remained unsure how the tax base would be able to support the full scope of Obama's proposed measure.

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