adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the terrorist organization’s actions can no longer be ignored, President Obama vowed Wednesday that the United States would use precision airstrikes for as long as needed to ensure that ISIS is divided into dozens of extremist splinter groups. “ISIS poses a significant threat to U.S. interests both overseas and at home, and that is why we are committed to a limited military engagement that will fracture the terrorist network’s leadership and consequently create a myriad of smaller cells, each with its own violent, radical agenda,” said Obama during a primetime address to the nation, stressing that any campaign to transform the group into a patchwork of volatile jihadist factions will not be performed unilaterally, but rather with the support and cooperation of key allies in the region. “I have already discussed this plan with congressional leaders, and I have no doubt that our efforts will eventually replace this militant organization with many smaller but equally determined groups bent on using extreme brutality to impose fundamentalist Islamic rule. It will not happen overnight, but I can assure the American public that, in time, this group will be defeated, allowing us to focus our attention on the countless threats to homeland security posed by its many immediate successors.” Obama added that while the ISIS campaign will not involve American boots on the ground, he reserves the right to deploy troops should one or more of the spin-off cells grow to be even more powerful.

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close