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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Obama Waiting For Perfect Moment To Walk By White House Tour Group

'They're Totally Going To Freak Out,' Excited President Says

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama took a break from his national security briefing today in order to wait for just the right moment to stroll casually past an unsuspecting group of visitors taking the daily 9:30 a.m. guided tour of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. "Man, the look on their faces when they turn the corner and I'm just standing there—it's going to be insane," the president reportedly said while peering from behind a slightly ajar door in the West Wing and debating whether he should quickly cross behind the guide so the visitors would not even be sure they saw him, or sneak up behind the group and ask a question about White House history as if he were part of the tour. "I mean, they are totally going to shit their pants when they see me. This is going to be amazing." Obama added that once he made his introduction, he planned on handing the person at the front of the group his presidential pen and casually joking that he didn't want to see it ending up on eBay.

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