adBlockCheck

Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies

WASHINGTON—Following this month’s rollout of President Obama’s signature health care law, millions of uninsured citizens across the country praised the program for allowing them to become blindingly enraged at health insurance companies for the first time in their lives, sources confirmed. “I’ve been working two to three jobs without once qualifying for health insurance for as long as I can remember, and now for the first time ever, I’ll be able to fill out reams and reams of indecipherable forms and paperwork that will frustrate and anger me in ways I could never possibly imagine,” said Oregon man David Haddock, adding that he now has access to nearly 10 insurance companies that have staffs that will try to deny him benefits at every turn and make his life a living hell. “Come January 1, my wife and I will finally be unable to find a good doctor that’s in network, I’ll try to call our insurance provider to get an explanation, and then I’ll be on hold for an hour before I slam the phone down on the ground. It’ll be one of the happiest days of our lives.” At press time, Obamacare had already helped numerous citizens punch a hole in their computer monitors after the repeated failure of healthcare.gov.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close