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Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies

WASHINGTON—Following this month’s rollout of President Obama’s signature health care law, millions of uninsured citizens across the country praised the program for allowing them to become blindingly enraged at health insurance companies for the first time in their lives, sources confirmed. “I’ve been working two to three jobs without once qualifying for health insurance for as long as I can remember, and now for the first time ever, I’ll be able to fill out reams and reams of indecipherable forms and paperwork that will frustrate and anger me in ways I could never possibly imagine,” said Oregon man David Haddock, adding that he now has access to nearly 10 insurance companies that have staffs that will try to deny him benefits at every turn and make his life a living hell. “Come January 1, my wife and I will finally be unable to find a good doctor that’s in network, I’ll try to call our insurance provider to get an explanation, and then I’ll be on hold for an hour before I slam the phone down on the ground. It’ll be one of the happiest days of our lives.” At press time, Obamacare had already helped numerous citizens punch a hole in their computer monitors after the repeated failure of healthcare.gov.

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