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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama's Aunt Sends Him Article Mentioning United States

KALONA, IA—According to family sources, Barack Obama's aunt Claudia, 79, mailed a letter to the president Monday that included a short note and a carefully clipped-out article from the Highland Review newspaper mentioning the United States. "Thought you would be interested in this," read the note, which also had "This is kind of neat" written on the top of the article and the words "United States" and "Washington, D.C." highlighted throughout. "I know you probably saw this already, but it would be a shame if you missed it." President Obama told reporters his aunt Claudia is very sweet and he needs to remember to call her soon.

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