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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama's Fifth Gulf Coast Visit Really Helps A Lot

NEW ORLEANS—Critics were silenced today after President Barack Obama's fifth visit to the Gulf Coast vastly improved the devastated region. While at the site of the worst oil spill in U.S. history, the president walked on a beach, looked at oil-soaked terns, and displayed the right amount of anger toward BP executives, all of which, sources said, should pretty much clear up the massive environmental disaster in a matter of days. "I really didn't think the president did enough in his first four visits," Louisiana fisherman Kevin Latrobe said. "Everyone knows you have to visit five times to make a difference. And sure enough, look! The pelicans already seem a little cleaner!" Some opponents still blasted the president for his trip, saying that they wanted something more substantial than political grandstanding, like a sixth or a ninth visit to the region.

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