Obama's Life In Captivity

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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Obama's Life In Captivity

A document leaked to the internet earlier today, supposedly containing the results of Obama's first interview with FBI agents, contains numerous new details about the president's life of solitude. According to the document:

  • Obama constructed crude dolls of each of his cabinet members using wire, cloth torn from his clothing, and his own hair and would hold daily meetings with these dolls.
  • Following the GOP rejection of universal health care, the president used a rusty nail to scratch inspiring speeches displaying strong moral stances into the floorboards.
  • In order to keep his mind sharp, Obama conducted level-headed discussions of current events with a rat skull he pretended was Eric Cantor.
  • Following the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision, Obama tapped out a morse code message calling it "an assault against democracy" against the wall of the attic, just in case anyone was listening.
  • At one point, Obama managed to yell for help loud enough to be heard by a passing mailman. The mailman, however, ignored the cries, later telling police Obama sounded "far too passionate" to be the president he was claiming to be.
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