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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Obama's Life In Captivity

A document leaked to the internet earlier today, supposedly containing the results of Obama's first interview with FBI agents, contains numerous new details about the president's life of solitude. According to the document:

  • Obama constructed crude dolls of each of his cabinet members using wire, cloth torn from his clothing, and his own hair and would hold daily meetings with these dolls.
  • Following the GOP rejection of universal health care, the president used a rusty nail to scratch inspiring speeches displaying strong moral stances into the floorboards.
  • In order to keep his mind sharp, Obama conducted level-headed discussions of current events with a rat skull he pretended was Eric Cantor.
  • Following the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision, Obama tapped out a morse code message calling it "an assault against democracy" against the wall of the attic, just in case anyone was listening.
  • At one point, Obama managed to yell for help loud enough to be heard by a passing mailman. The mailman, however, ignored the cries, later telling police Obama sounded "far too passionate" to be the president he was claiming to be.

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