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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Obese Doctors Urge Nation To Eat Three Meals A Meal

CHICAGO—A coalition of morbidly obese physicians recommended Monday that Americans eat at least three full meals per meal, with particular emphasis on starches, meats, mayonnaises, and creamy centers. "We're gravely concerned that Americans are consuming less than 2,000 calories per sitting, and are missing out on having heaping seconds and thirds," said Dr. Henry Vance, 418-pound director of the Candy-Farley Memorial Center For Nutritional Science at Johns Dunkins University. The doctors hope the new plan will be clearer and easier to follow than their previous effort, the "See-Food Diet."

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