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Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise

ALBANY, NY (Nov. 14)—Americans have never been more aware of the dangers of weight gain, nor have they ever weighed so much, according to a SUNY-Binghamton study released Monday.

An obese obesity-report reader.

"In 1989, Americans were exposed to 1.8 reports on obesity each week and were an average of five pounds overweight," study director Marilyn Fleder said. "Today, the average American is nearly 10 pounds overweight and sees or reads at least four reports on the obesity epidemic each week. If the trend continues unchecked, Americans will weigh 17 pounds more, and network news shows will devote a daily minimum of three minutes of airtime to obesity issues by 2010."

Fleder blamed the dual trend on Americans' increasingly sedentary lifestyles.

"Americans get their news about obesity by watching television or reading magazines and newspapers, which force the reader or viewer to assume a physically passive position," Fleder said. "This contributes to weight gain, which is then dutifully reported by the media. It's a vicious cycle."

Fleder said the trend could reverse itself if Americans had healthier diets and became more physically active.

"While reports have ballooned to hundreds of pages in length, there is hope," Fleder said. "If Americans improve their eating and exercise habits, obesity reports could quickly begin to drop in size, shedding as many as 20 to 30 pages a year, until they disappear altogether."

Fleder added that the media could also play a useful role by limiting obesity coverage to the later prime-time hours between 9 and 11 p.m., after the dinner hour.

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