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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Obsessive Freak Abner Doubleday Forces Locals To Play Nonsensical Game

COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a series of baffling events during the summer of 1839, obsessive freak Abner Doubleday reportedly coerced locals into participating in a preposterous game that featured nonsensical elements such as "plates," "mounds," "bases," "balls," "bats," "gloves," "fair and foul territories," and the scoring of "runs" instead of points.

"While those forced to take part in this strange diversion viewed Doubleday as a peculiar fellow, they were even more perplexed by the bizarre game itself," local observer William Moore noted in his journal, adding that many players simply walked off the field when Doubleday attempted to explain the tag-up rule and the balk. "Participants found it difficult to comprehend how a recreational activity could involve standing in one place for such extended periods of time. And this business about a 'strike' meaning you failed to hit the ball confused and angered many."

According to later entries in Moore's journal, participants finally began to enjoy playing the nonsensical game when, after weeks of frustration, they started using the long wooden sticks to tag out base runners.

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