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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera. "Me and T.O. have both been working really hard on these tight arias that really capture the awesome feeling of scoring a touchdown," said Ochocinco, attaching a Phantom Of The Opera mask to his helmet. "And the Italian lyrics sound so romantic and kind of sexy, not like that German stuff. The good thing about T.O. is that he sings in this rich, full baritone, but he can also go up into head voice and sing in this sweet-ass falsetto. It's good shit." Owens, who is currently attempting to secure a block of seats near the end zone for the orchestra, said the touchdown-celebration opera would be two hours and 30 minutes in length, with one short intermission to allow for costume changes.

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