adBlockCheck

Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Beatrice Farmer, a Pompano Beach-area octogenarian, received notification Monday that she may already have won a huge cash prize.

Near-death Pompano Beach resident Beatrice Farmer, who may have already won $833,337.

"It's so exciting," the arthritic Farmer said. "I suppose this is the good Lord's way of rewarding me."

The prize packet, dispatched to Farmer's one-room apartment in an important-looking envelope bearing a gold seal and the word 'official,' informed the frail widow that a special prize of $833,337 was being held in a reinforced steel safe for her, provided she returns her specially selected prize number and that her number is the winning one.

"Great news, Ms. Beatrice Farmer!" the prize-notification letter read. "You are one of the LUCKY FINALISTS specially selected to receive Continental Neighborhood Publishers' 1999 GRAND SWEEPSTAKES PRIZE!"

Even if she is not the Grand Prize Winner, Farmer, born during the Taft Administration, is still guaranteed at least one of four other fabulous and exciting runner-up prizes: a year-long around-the-world cruise, a Sony 24-inch projection TV with satellite dish, a 2000 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, or a stunning one-carat Diamonaire™ pendant, complete with gold alloy chain and display case.

The octogenarian's prize materials.

"I could certainly use that Cadillac," said Farmer, swallowing her heart medication. "But I have to respond right away and tell them what color Cadillac I want. And I have to put the right sticker on my prize-claim envelope."

If Farmer does not want any of the prizes for which she is eligible, she may "opt out" of the contest by affixing the black "NO, Give All My Prizes To Someone Else!" sticker to the exterior of her reply envelope. But if, on the other hand, the not-long-for-this-earth Farmer is excited about her participation in the sweepstakes, she may affix the red "YES, Please Register My Name In The Official Finalists' Ledger!" sticker.

Nearly as exciting as Farmer's once-in-a-lifetime prize opportunity is her chance to save big money on subscriptions to popular magazines.

"I suppose helping them out with some business is the least I can do," said Farmer, peering out her apartment's lone window. "I figure I'll subscribe to Fortune and Money—I'll probably need them, with all the prize money coming my way."

"I can't exactly read regular-sized print so well these days," she added, "but once I get the money, I'll finally be able to afford cataract surgery, so I'd like to have the magazines waiting there for me to read when that's done with."

The award comes as a surprise to Farmer, who said the largest prize she had ever previously won was a pound cake in 1976 as a church-raffle runner-up award. "I guess if you just wait long enough, your ship will finally come in."

Added Farmer: "I hope Irene visits me today."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close