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Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Beatrice Farmer, a Pompano Beach-area octogenarian, received notification Monday that she may already have won a huge cash prize.

Near-death Pompano Beach resident Beatrice Farmer, who may have already won $833,337.

"It's so exciting," the arthritic Farmer said. "I suppose this is the good Lord's way of rewarding me."

The prize packet, dispatched to Farmer's one-room apartment in an important-looking envelope bearing a gold seal and the word 'official,' informed the frail widow that a special prize of $833,337 was being held in a reinforced steel safe for her, provided she returns her specially selected prize number and that her number is the winning one.

"Great news, Ms. Beatrice Farmer!" the prize-notification letter read. "You are one of the LUCKY FINALISTS specially selected to receive Continental Neighborhood Publishers' 1999 GRAND SWEEPSTAKES PRIZE!"

Even if she is not the Grand Prize Winner, Farmer, born during the Taft Administration, is still guaranteed at least one of four other fabulous and exciting runner-up prizes: a year-long around-the-world cruise, a Sony 24-inch projection TV with satellite dish, a 2000 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, or a stunning one-carat Diamonaire™ pendant, complete with gold alloy chain and display case.

The octogenarian's prize materials.

"I could certainly use that Cadillac," said Farmer, swallowing her heart medication. "But I have to respond right away and tell them what color Cadillac I want. And I have to put the right sticker on my prize-claim envelope."

If Farmer does not want any of the prizes for which she is eligible, she may "opt out" of the contest by affixing the black "NO, Give All My Prizes To Someone Else!" sticker to the exterior of her reply envelope. But if, on the other hand, the not-long-for-this-earth Farmer is excited about her participation in the sweepstakes, she may affix the red "YES, Please Register My Name In The Official Finalists' Ledger!" sticker.

Nearly as exciting as Farmer's once-in-a-lifetime prize opportunity is her chance to save big money on subscriptions to popular magazines.

"I suppose helping them out with some business is the least I can do," said Farmer, peering out her apartment's lone window. "I figure I'll subscribe to Fortune and Money—I'll probably need them, with all the prize money coming my way."

"I can't exactly read regular-sized print so well these days," she added, "but once I get the money, I'll finally be able to afford cataract surgery, so I'd like to have the magazines waiting there for me to read when that's done with."

The award comes as a surprise to Farmer, who said the largest prize she had ever previously won was a pound cake in 1976 as a church-raffle runner-up award. "I guess if you just wait long enough, your ship will finally come in."

Added Farmer: "I hope Irene visits me today."

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