Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

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Vol 35 Issue 45

Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?

CD Club Somehow Tracks Down Local Woman

CAMDEN, NJ—Despite moving four times in the past four years and switching credit cards twice, Liz Brower was somehow tracked down Monday by BMG Music Service. "Wow, I thought for sure I'd lost them," said Brower, who still owes $19.11 for Belly's King—the featured alternative-rock selection for November 1995—which she received after failing to fill out her response card in time. "Those guys really know how to find a person." Brower is also on the run from Columbia House, to whom she owes $41.04 for Soul Asylum's Grave Dancers Union and Toad The Wet Sprocket's Dulcinea.

Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67

INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public Library on April 17, 1967. "Hey, check it out—this one's been here since '67," Brad McEvoy, 14, told friend Todd Tyler, 13, while trying to find the library book with the longest unborrowed streak Monday. "Dude, that's like 30 years." Despite the disuse, Houghton-Mifflin, the book's publisher, said it stands behind The Wondrous World Of Fishes, calling it "an exciting, educational look at life beneath the sea."

AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik® with directions to a local hospital.

Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor

WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have his sprained right ankle examined by a doctor. "Fuck it, I give," said Furness, who twisted the ankle while mowing his lawn Friday. "I thought it might go away by itself, or just with a little ice, but the bastard's all swollen up like a cow's." After driving 12 miles to his doctor's office using only his left foot, Furness was subjected to a 20-minute lecture from his physician on the importance of prompt medical attention.

Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's three non-Phish-supporting roommates, sources revealed Tuesday. "Because of Ryan's poster, everybody who comes over here automatically assumes that I'm a big, Phish-loving hippie," resident Douglas Beckert, 20, said of the 4'x6' "Picture Of Nectar" wall hanging. "Certain posters, you can hang in a living room without people making assumptions about your lifestyle, but not this one." Beckert has advocated replacing the Phish poster with one of The Beatles or Pink Floyd.

The Belfast Accord

On Dec. 7, power in Northern Ireland was transferred from London to Belfast, ending 27 years of direct rule by Britain. What are the terms of the agreement?
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Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Beatrice Farmer, a Pompano Beach-area octogenarian, received notification Monday that she may already have won a huge cash prize.

Near-death Pompano Beach resident Beatrice Farmer, who may have already won $833,337.

"It's so exciting," the arthritic Farmer said. "I suppose this is the good Lord's way of rewarding me."

The prize packet, dispatched to Farmer's one-room apartment in an important-looking envelope bearing a gold seal and the word 'official,' informed the frail widow that a special prize of $833,337 was being held in a reinforced steel safe for her, provided she returns her specially selected prize number and that her number is the winning one.

"Great news, Ms. Beatrice Farmer!" the prize-notification letter read. "You are one of the LUCKY FINALISTS specially selected to receive Continental Neighborhood Publishers' 1999 GRAND SWEEPSTAKES PRIZE!"

Even if she is not the Grand Prize Winner, Farmer, born during the Taft Administration, is still guaranteed at least one of four other fabulous and exciting runner-up prizes: a year-long around-the-world cruise, a Sony 24-inch projection TV with satellite dish, a 2000 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, or a stunning one-carat Diamonaire™ pendant, complete with gold alloy chain and display case.

The octogenarian's prize materials.

"I could certainly use that Cadillac," said Farmer, swallowing her heart medication. "But I have to respond right away and tell them what color Cadillac I want. And I have to put the right sticker on my prize-claim envelope."

If Farmer does not want any of the prizes for which she is eligible, she may "opt out" of the contest by affixing the black "NO, Give All My Prizes To Someone Else!" sticker to the exterior of her reply envelope. But if, on the other hand, the not-long-for-this-earth Farmer is excited about her participation in the sweepstakes, she may affix the red "YES, Please Register My Name In The Official Finalists' Ledger!" sticker.

Nearly as exciting as Farmer's once-in-a-lifetime prize opportunity is her chance to save big money on subscriptions to popular magazines.

"I suppose helping them out with some business is the least I can do," said Farmer, peering out her apartment's lone window. "I figure I'll subscribe to Fortune and Money—I'll probably need them, with all the prize money coming my way."

"I can't exactly read regular-sized print so well these days," she added, "but once I get the money, I'll finally be able to afford cataract surgery, so I'd like to have the magazines waiting there for me to read when that's done with."

The award comes as a surprise to Farmer, who said the largest prize she had ever previously won was a pound cake in 1976 as a church-raffle runner-up award. "I guess if you just wait long enough, your ship will finally come in."

Added Farmer: "I hope Irene visits me today."

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