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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Oddsmakers Say Oakland Raiders A Long Shot To Finish Season

LAS VEGAS—The Las Vegas Hotel & Casino sports book released a slate of new odds on the upcoming NFL season Monday, listing the Oakland Raiders as a 60-to-1 long shot to finish all 16 games this year. “Frankly, I think these odds are generous for a team that seems like it will be lucky to reach its bye week,” said Vegas insider Rick Malik. “You’ve got an inexperienced quarterback, a walking injury of a running back, and then honestly name another player on this roster. Frankly, I would not be surprised if the Raiders are bounced out in week one.” Bookmakers, however, placed 4-to-1 odds on the Raiders’ entire draft class being a bust and a straight 2-to-1 line on the coaching staff being fired before season’s end.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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