adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Of Course Busy Bartender Doesn’t Mind Taking Picture Of You And Your Friends

CHICAGO—Speaking over the din of an entire roomful of people clamoring to buy drinks, local bartender Philip Melrose reported that he was more than happy to drop everything Saturday night and take a photo of you and your friends. “Sure, it’s no problem at all to stop filling these pints of beer, take your iPhone from you, and then wait several moments until you and your friends crowd close enough together to all fit in the photo—I’d be happy to do it,” said Melrose, adding that he could never turn down the exciting opportunity to snap a blurred picture of customers after already serving hordes of increasingly aggressive patrons over a seven-hour shift, particularly if the photograph was not just for one’s personal collection but a submission to a contest, like New Belgium’s #SnapShotWheat promotion. “And before you even ask, I certainly wouldn’t mind taking another picture with your friend’s phone after this one as well.” Noting that he was “completely cool” with jeopardizing his potential tips from other customers by catering solely to you, Melrose admitted that he was actually fulfilling a lifelong dream to retake your photo 10 more times until you get the perfect silly one.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close