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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Of Course Busy Bartender Doesn’t Mind Taking Picture Of You And Your Friends

CHICAGO—Speaking over the din of an entire roomful of people clamoring to buy drinks, local bartender Philip Melrose reported that he was more than happy to drop everything Saturday night and take a photo of you and your friends. “Sure, it’s no problem at all to stop filling these pints of beer, take your iPhone from you, and then wait several moments until you and your friends crowd close enough together to all fit in the photo—I’d be happy to do it,” said Melrose, adding that he could never turn down the exciting opportunity to snap a blurred picture of customers after already serving hordes of increasingly aggressive patrons over a seven-hour shift, particularly if the photograph was not just for one’s personal collection but a submission to a contest, like New Belgium’s #SnapShotWheat promotion. “And before you even ask, I certainly wouldn’t mind taking another picture with your friend’s phone after this one as well.” Noting that he was “completely cool” with jeopardizing his potential tips from other customers by catering solely to you, Melrose admitted that he was actually fulfilling a lifelong dream to retake your photo 10 more times until you get the perfect silly one.

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