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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Offbeat Congressman Having Trouble Finding Committee To Fit Into

WASHINGTON—Two months into his first term, Rep. Jason McKenna (D-OR) reported Monday that, despite his best efforts, he has been unable to find a congressional committee that appreciates his free-spirited personality and unique worldview. "I guess I just don't want to be pigeonholed as a 'Ways and Means guy' forever," said McKenna, adding that the atmosphere in Congress was "way more cliquey" than he had anticipated. "Everyone here is so obsessed with labels. Yes, I'm here to represent my district and all, but I'm also here to express myself. All these people care about is who gets what bill voted on by whom." Sources on Capitol Hill said the dissatisfied freshman representative spent his first few weeks in Washington wandering around the Smithsonian museums, smoking cigarettes on the National Mall, and trying to drum up interest in starting a congressional grindcore band.

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