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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Offended Customer's Huffy Walkout Goes Unnoticed

DULUTH, MN—Angry about the convenience store's poor service, Dina Jorgenson abruptly stormed out of Marvin's QuikStop unseen Monday. "Oh, I've had enough of this," Jorgenson said, pointedly slamming her passion-fruit Snapple on the counter and marching out the front door, after having waited in line for nearly 10 minutes. Two hours later, QuikStop cashier Tasha Quiggle asked a fellow clerk why there was a warm Snapple sitting on the counter.

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