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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Offense: Visual Evidence Suggests Linebackers Will Blitz

MIDFIELD—Highly placed sources on the offense, including an individual who is reportedly lined up under the center, are claiming to have conclusive evidence that the middle linebacker and one or both outside linebackers will blitz immediately after the ball is snapped. "Blitz! Blitz! Watch for the blitz!" multiple individuals at the scene were heard to say, suggesting that purposeful movement towards or up to the neutral zone had been observed. "They're coming!" Neither blocking nor ball-handling personnel had commented on their plans to either pick up or avoid the blitz as of press time.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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