Offensive Lineman Opens Up Massive Hole In His Frontal Cortex

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Vol 50 Issue 01

Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products

A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion calories from their products between 2007 and 2012, far exceeding their pledge to slash 1.5 trillion calories by 2015.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Offensive Lineman Opens Up Massive Hole In His Frontal Cortex

PASADENA, CA—Exploding out of the three-point stance and driving the Auburn defender backwards, Florida State left guard Josue Matias reportedly opened up a massive hole in his frontal cortex Monday during the National Championship game. “Wow, he just slammed into the defensive lineman with such unbelievable force,” commentator Brent Musburger said of the catastrophic collision that created a huge hole in the middle of the frontal lobe and sprang the Seminoles’ ball carrier free for a three-yard gain. “He came barreling up the field and BOOM, just loosened the whole thing up. This is a BCS Championship memory that he’ll always [scarcely] remember.” Following the play, a dazed and disoriented Matias wandered back 15 yards after a teammate was penalized for clipping.

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