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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Office Exiles Menstruating HR Manager

‘Ellen May Return When The Red River Ebbs’

SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Following reports Wednesday that Human Resources manager Ellen Neely had begun her menstrual cycle, employees of venture capital firm Optima Group decreed today that the woman would be banished from the office forthwith until such time as she became pure again. “We hereby cast you from our sight, Red Ellen. Find a rock outcropping on the outskirts of town; there you must reside for seven days, or until that fateful hour at which you are no longer unclean,” West Coast accounts director Dan Fischer told the 34-year-old Neely, adding that until the crimson defilement recedes, she must “fast while the sun is up and refrain from cooking, worship, and work-related email.” “Take this pack of food, and do not touch your colleagues as you leave. The scent is thick on you, bleeding one. Go! Banished! Banished!” At press time, sources say the sales team was driving Neely from the break room by beating her ankles with sticks.

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