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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Office Exiles Menstruating HR Manager

‘Ellen May Return When The Red River Ebbs’

SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Following reports Wednesday that Human Resources manager Ellen Neely had begun her menstrual cycle, employees of venture capital firm Optima Group decreed today that the woman would be banished from the office forthwith until such time as she became pure again. “We hereby cast you from our sight, Red Ellen. Find a rock outcropping on the outskirts of town; there you must reside for seven days, or until that fateful hour at which you are no longer unclean,” West Coast accounts director Dan Fischer told the 34-year-old Neely, adding that until the crimson defilement recedes, she must “fast while the sun is up and refrain from cooking, worship, and work-related email.” “Take this pack of food, and do not touch your colleagues as you leave. The scent is thick on you, bleeding one. Go! Banished! Banished!” At press time, sources say the sales team was driving Neely from the break room by beating her ankles with sticks.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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