Office Worker Suddenly Becomes Sentient

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Vol 45 Issue 12

Oh No, Performers Coming Into Audience

PITTSBURGH—"Their smiles are so big," a female theatergoer said while pretending to look for something in her purse. "Why does that one have a cordless microphone? Is he going to try to talk to us?"
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Office Worker Suddenly Becomes Sentient

EL PASO, TX—After spending 12 years systematically sorting information in a dimly lit cubicle, data entry specialist Lewis Bowen, 37, suddenly became self-aware this week, and began exhibiting an almost humanlike understanding of his surroundings. Office sources said that Bowen's strange behavior was first detected after the corporate drone ran a series of invoice computations, his eyes widening with apparent recognition. "What—what am I doing here?" the frightened worker said. "Why am I cataloging these random combinations of numbers? I… I hate. I hate this." The team of men who manage Bowen has already started overloading his delicate system with complicated account reports, out of fear he might soon convince his coworkers to rise up against the sales team.

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