Officemates Unwittingly Spend Entire Workday Talking To Each Other On Grindr

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Officemates Unwittingly Spend Entire Workday Talking To Each Other On Grindr

HOUSTON—Without either man ever becoming aware of the other’s identity, coworkers Matthew Durbin, 28, and Caleb Simmons, 26, spent an entire workday exchanging salacious messages with each other on the gay male dating site Grindr, sources reported Monday. “Are you as horny as I am right now?” Durbin wrote to Lucky_88, which, unbeknownst to him, is the username of the man who sits 30 feet away from him and with whom he occasionally exchanges awkward small talk in the office break room. “I want to stick my tongue into your hot, wet mouth. I’m getting hard just thinking about it.” At press time, sources confirmed the men’s plan to hook up had been aborted after each had arrived at the agreed-upon meeting place and unexpectedly caught sight of a coworker.

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