OfficeMax Employee Was Here When Gel Pens Were Big

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Vol 50 Issue 02

President Curbing NSA Spying

In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones.

Michelle Obama Turns 50

First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow night, which has been described on official invitations as an evening of “Snacks & Sips & Dancing & Dessert.” W...

Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats

In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative.

The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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OfficeMax Employee Was Here When Gel Pens Were Big

IRVINE, CA—Veteran OfficeMax employee Drew Hillenberg regaled younger staff members on Friday, sharing his stories from a bygone era when gel pens were among the hottest sellers at the big-box business supply store. “Man, I remember back in ’97, gel pens were huge—I’d sell boxes of ’em every day, it was that crazy,” said Hillenberg of the fluorescent water-based gel writing instruments, adding that he “knew gels were going to be big” when customers began regularly asking for them by name in the late ’90s. “I remember blue, green, and purple moved pretty fast, but clear? Damn. We’d have to restock those babies twice a day. It was really something.” Hillenberg went on to inform coworkers that while the current demand among the store’s customers for water-based rollerballs was “impressive,” it was “nothing like what we used to see for gels.”

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