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Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City

If all franchises received as much support in retaining star players from their home cities as the Cardinals have received from the city of St. Louis, Babe Ruth would have retired a Red Sox and Brett Favre might have been physically demolished in Green Bay this past season.

In case you haven't heard, if Pujols resigns with the Cardinals, St. Louis has offered The Machine a skeleton key that will grant him access to all homes, businesses and monuments in the city. Here's the official proclo:

St. Louis already has a long history of conferring great powers upon local heroes. In 1943, the city ended a holdout with Stan Musial by agreeing to divert the Mississippi river into "The Man's" backyard and in 1996, Brett Hull was given a 'golden gun' with monogrammed bullets that allowed him to kill whomever he wanted within the city limits.

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