adBlockCheck

Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City

If all franchises received as much support in retaining star players from their home cities as the Cardinals have received from the city of St. Louis, Babe Ruth would have retired a Red Sox and Brett Favre might have been physically demolished in Green Bay this past season.

In case you haven't heard, if Pujols resigns with the Cardinals, St. Louis has offered The Machine a skeleton key that will grant him access to all homes, businesses and monuments in the city. Here's the official proclo:

St. Louis already has a long history of conferring great powers upon local heroes. In 1943, the city ended a holdout with Stan Musial by agreeing to divert the Mississippi river into "The Man's" backyard and in 1996, Brett Hull was given a 'golden gun' with monogrammed bullets that allowed him to kill whomever he wanted within the city limits.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close