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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City

If all franchises received as much support in retaining star players from their home cities as the Cardinals have received from the city of St. Louis, Babe Ruth would have retired a Red Sox and Brett Favre might have been physically demolished in Green Bay this past season.

In case you haven't heard, if Pujols resigns with the Cardinals, St. Louis has offered The Machine a skeleton key that will grant him access to all homes, businesses and monuments in the city. Here's the official proclo:

St. Louis already has a long history of conferring great powers upon local heroes. In 1943, the city ended a holdout with Stan Musial by agreeing to divert the Mississippi river into "The Man's" backyard and in 1996, Brett Hull was given a 'golden gun' with monogrammed bullets that allowed him to kill whomever he wanted within the city limits.

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