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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Officials Investigating Hugh Hefner’s Death Suspect Foreplay

LOS ANGELES—Citing the overwhelming amount of physical evidence present at the scene, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Thursday that they now suspect foreplay may have been involved in the recent death of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. “Upon entering Mr. Hefner’s bedroom, there were clear indications that his death was not platonic in nature,” said LAPD detective Marcus Rosetti, adding that the presence of feather ticklers and recently lit scented candles suggested that Hefner was getting worked up at the time of his passing. “However, forensics will still have to test several samples of massage oils found in proximity to Mr. Hefner before we can make any conclusive determination.” Rosetti went on to say that, at present, police believed the perpetrators of Hefner’s death were six or seven individuals working in concert.

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