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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Officials Urge Americans To Sort Plastics, Glass Into Separate Oceans

WASHINGTON—Calling it an important but often overlooked step of the process, Environmental Protection Agency officials issued a statement Friday once again advising Americans to sort their plastics and glass materials into separate oceans. “We would like to remind Americans that clear, brown, and green glass should be placed in the Atlantic Ocean, and plastics classified as 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7 belong in the Pacific,” said EPA spokesman Daniel Gray, adding that individuals should properly rinse out all containers before depositing them off the appropriate coastline. “Also, lakes and rivers are reserved strictly for paper products. We simply ask that cardboard be flattened before it is left in any one of the thousands of designated freshwater bodies across the country.” Gray also stressed that Americans should only place old computers, televisions, mobile phones, and other unwanted electronics in forests on their assigned day of the week.

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