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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Officials Urge Americans To Sort Plastics, Glass Into Separate Oceans

WASHINGTON—Calling it an important but often overlooked step of the process, Environmental Protection Agency officials issued a statement Friday once again advising Americans to sort their plastics and glass materials into separate oceans. “We would like to remind Americans that clear, brown, and green glass should be placed in the Atlantic Ocean, and plastics classified as 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7 belong in the Pacific,” said EPA spokesman Daniel Gray, adding that individuals should properly rinse out all containers before depositing them off the appropriate coastline. “Also, lakes and rivers are reserved strictly for paper products. We simply ask that cardboard be flattened before it is left in any one of the thousands of designated freshwater bodies across the country.” Gray also stressed that Americans should only place old computers, televisions, mobile phones, and other unwanted electronics in forests on their assigned day of the week.

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