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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back

JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like a goddamn elephant stepped on it. Fuck, the report stated, Lardner should never have tried to move that dishwasher by himself. The report went on to note that Lardner may require medical attention if he can ever make it to the freaking phone, and that if he doesn’t collect some workman’s comp for this one, forget about it.

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