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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!

Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And without even cutting off the 'ead of the old president! Blimey, those Americans sure know 'ow to pick a ruler, don't they? Did it with class they did. I only wish I knew 'oo they picked.

It's my own fault, that is. Time and time again Mr. Greystone 'e told me not to bleed on 'is things, but I never listen. So until I clean every last speck off 'is brick, 'e won't utter one word to me about a winner. In my defense, chaps, I didn't know I was bleedin' at the time, as I'd made the unwise decision to faint on the sidewalk in front of 'is 'ouse. I don't see why 'e should 'old it against me. The front stoop is 'ardly inside the 'ouse. And my blood can't be that 'ard to clean off, being as though I'm right iron deficient.

No bother. I'll 'ave my 'appy news soon enough. Mr. Greystone won't lend me even a toothbrush what to clean with, but I'm doing just fine with my finger and spit and good 'ard scrubbing. Except my finger 'urts like 'ell and there seems to be more blood than before now.

To 'appier days, America! Enjoy your new president, 'ooever 'e is!

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