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Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!

Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And without even cutting off the 'ead of the old president! Blimey, those Americans sure know 'ow to pick a ruler, don't they? Did it with class they did. I only wish I knew 'oo they picked.

It's my own fault, that is. Time and time again Mr. Greystone 'e told me not to bleed on 'is things, but I never listen. So until I clean every last speck off 'is brick, 'e won't utter one word to me about a winner. In my defense, chaps, I didn't know I was bleedin' at the time, as I'd made the unwise decision to faint on the sidewalk in front of 'is 'ouse. I don't see why 'e should 'old it against me. The front stoop is 'ardly inside the 'ouse. And my blood can't be that 'ard to clean off, being as though I'm right iron deficient.

No bother. I'll 'ave my 'appy news soon enough. Mr. Greystone won't lend me even a toothbrush what to clean with, but I'm doing just fine with my finger and spit and good 'ard scrubbing. Except my finger 'urts like 'ell and there seems to be more blood than before now.

To 'appier days, America! Enjoy your new president, 'ooever 'e is!

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