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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!

Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And without even cutting off the 'ead of the old president! Blimey, those Americans sure know 'ow to pick a ruler, don't they? Did it with class they did. I only wish I knew 'oo they picked.

It's my own fault, that is. Time and time again Mr. Greystone 'e told me not to bleed on 'is things, but I never listen. So until I clean every last speck off 'is brick, 'e won't utter one word to me about a winner. In my defense, chaps, I didn't know I was bleedin' at the time, as I'd made the unwise decision to faint on the sidewalk in front of 'is 'ouse. I don't see why 'e should 'old it against me. The front stoop is 'ardly inside the 'ouse. And my blood can't be that 'ard to clean off, being as though I'm right iron deficient.

No bother. I'll 'ave my 'appy news soon enough. Mr. Greystone won't lend me even a toothbrush what to clean with, but I'm doing just fine with my finger and spit and good 'ard scrubbing. Except my finger 'urts like 'ell and there seems to be more blood than before now.

To 'appier days, America! Enjoy your new president, 'ooever 'e is!

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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