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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Okie Hears There's Sam's Club Work In New Mexico

TULSA, OK—Day laborer Cal Thornton, driven from the Wal-Mart where his family worked the stockroom for generations, has heard tell of Sam's Club work in New Mexico. "They say they need 17 guys to unload pallets of toilet paper, baby food, and canned peaches in Las Cruces," Thornton said. "Word is, they got cans of peaches in New Mexico so big, you got to use two hands to lift 'em." Thornton loaded his family and few belongings into the cab of his rusted pickup truck and began the migration Tuesday.

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