adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Oklahoma City Thunder Wander Town Aimlessly Looking For Place To Celebrate Big Win

OKLAHOMA CITY—Following their Game 7 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Sunday, Thunder players spent several hours wandering the streets of Oklahoma City in search of a decent bar or nightclub to celebrate the organization's first Western Conference Finals appearance. "We figured we'd eventually find something, but every place we saw was either closed, pretty empty, or really sad-looking," Thunder guard Russell Westbrook told reporters, adding that Yelp searches on his phone found mostly "nasty cigar lounges and bowling alleys." "You'd think there'd be at least one 24-hour diner or something. You guys just want to go back to the arena and play some more basketball?" After Thunder players spent approximately 45 minutes standing on a street corner asking one another if they were still up for celebrating—and trying to determine if Kevin Durant was serious when he suggested they all drive to Tulsa—the team eventually decided to just go home.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close