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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections

MCALESTER, OK—Touting the extensive library of programming available to be streamed while waiting for an untested cocktail of chemicals to induce cardiac arrest, officials from Oklahoma State Penitentiary unveiled a new in-chamber entertainment system Thursday aimed at keeping inmates occupied throughout their lethal injections. “As soon as they’re strapped onto the table and medical personnel begin an extended search for a usable vein, our death row inmates will be able to use the system control pad to navigate a wide menu of television programs and feature films available for immediate viewing,” said penitentiary spokesman John Clark, explaining that the new system is fully equipped with a 42-inch 4K screen, Dolby surround sound speakers, and access to streaming services such as Netflix and HBO Go to provide those awaiting their deaths with the ability to queue up as many movies, shows, documentaries, comedy specials, and concerts as they want while experimental volumes of various unproven compounds circulate through their bodies. “Now prisoners can catch up on the latest episodes of Girls or binge a whole season of Narcos while their execution proceeds. With our exciting new entertainment offerings, the time between when the drugs are administered and when the on-site physician confirms that a heartbeat has finally ceased completely will fly right by.” Clark added that the advanced entertainment system would also make individualized TV and movie recommendations based on users’ viewing histories in the likely event they finish watching the selections in their queue before the execution is complete.

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