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Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

CINCINNATI―Calling it a quick and simple way to achieve a “radiant, youthful glow,” health and beauty giant Olay announced the launch of its new line of pre-moisturized skin Wednesday. “Olay Hydrating Effects Epidermal Layer Plus is guaranteed to give women the luscious, dazzling skin they’ve always wanted,” Olay marketing director Devin Salazar said in a press release, adding that consumers who purchase the 6-ounce jar of human skin can use it to touch up “trouble areas,” immediately reversing the effects of drying, aging, or discoloration. “Just tear off as much or as little skin as you need, apply it where desired, and enjoy the confidence that comes from knowing you can have a fresh, young face at any age.” Salazar went on to state that the new product contains no additives or synthetic chemicals, as it is procured entirely from all-natural sources.

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