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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Old Faithful Brutally Beaten To Death By Group Of Teens

TETON COUNTY, WY—Rangers at Yellowstone National Park confirmed the death of famed geyser Old Faithful this morning, hours after it was severely beaten by a gang of teenaged males who, according to investigators, “appeared to have simply been bored.” “Our security footage shows six young men approaching Old Faithful just before midnight and then kicking and punching the geyser directly in the spout,” said National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis, adding that the teenagers had been loitering in the area about an hour before they began circling around the geothermal formation and shouting taunts at it. “It appears Old Faithful attempted to spray them off, but it can only erupt every 90 minutes or so and, in any event, was outnumbered. At present we are unsure whether this was a thrill-killing or the result of a dispute between the parties involved.” The White House confirmed President Obama has responded by ordering heightened security around all U.S. national treasures, including Yosemite Falls, Glacier National Park, Tony Bennett, and the Grand Canyon.

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