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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Old-Fashioned No-Water Practice Gets High School Diving Coach Fired

GRANT, NE—Perkins County High School diving coach Tony Spencer was fired Friday for what he called an "old-fashioned no-water practice," a drill that left three swimmers dead and several others in intensive care. "If you can dive into a pool with no water, imagine what you can do with a pool that has water," the 72-year-old Spencer said as he was led to a police car, adding that the "old-school" practice was meant to weed out those who want to be divers from those who aren't serious about the sport. "Those kids who are still breathing? They'll thank me in a couple years when they're wearing gold medals around their mostly healed necks." During his arraignment Saturday, dozens of Spencer's former divers, many of whom were confined to wheelchairs and unable to breathe without a ventilator, showed up to the courthouse to support their coach and thank him for molding them into the men they are today.

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