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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

HARWICH, MA—Boston graphic designer Kirk Bannon ducked out of a Harwich Stop 'N' Shop convenience store Tuesday, successfully avoiding contact with store cashier and onetime high-school classmate George Moseley. "George and I were in Mr. Telscher's first-period biology class together," said Bannon, 26, who was back in his hometown for a friend's wedding. "Looks like he's an assistant manager." After sneaking out of the Stop 'N' Shop, Bannon drove to a Gas 'N' Go three blocks away to purchase a gallon of milk and a New York Times.

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